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The Best Laid Plans, by Terry Fallis
Ebook The Best Laid Plans, by Terry Fallis
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WINNER OF CBC CANADA READS
This book beat out work by Douglas Coupland and Will Ferguson because it is very, very good--a terrific Canadian political satire.
Here’s the set up: A burnt-out politcal aide quits just before an election--but is forced to run a hopeless campaign on the way out. He makes a deal with a crusty old Scot, Angus McLintock--an engineering professor who will do anything, anything, to avoid teaching English to engineers--to let his name stand in the election. No need to campaign, certain to lose, and so on.
Then a great scandal blows away his opponent, and to their horror, Angus is elected. He decides to see what good an honest M.P. who doesn’t care about being re-elected can do in Parliament. The results are hilarious--and with chess, a hovercraft, and the love of a good woman thrown in, this very funny book has something for everyone.
- Sales Rank: #1046146 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Emblem Editions
- Published on: 2008-09-05
- Released on: 2008-09-05
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.51" h x .87" w x 5.52" l, .70 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 352 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
WINNER OF THE STEPHEN LEACOCK MEDAL FOR HUMOUR
WINNER OF CBC CANADA READS
“Amusing, enlightening--and Canadian, and it deftly explores the Machiavellian machinations of Ottawa’s political culture.” The Globe and Mail
“This is a funny book that could only have been written by someone with firsthand knowledge of politics in Canada, including its occasionally absurd side. This is a great read for anyone thinking of running for office, and especially reassuring for those who have decided not to.” The Hon. Allan Rock, former Justice Minister and Canadian Ambassador to the United Nations
About the Author
TERRY FALLIS grew up in Toronto and went to McMaster University. Drawn to politics at an early age, he worked for Cabinet Ministers both at Queen’s Park and in Ottawa. His first book, The Best Laid Plans, began as a podcast, then was self-published, won the Stephen Leacock Award for Humour, was re-published to great reviews by McClelland & Stewart, and was selected the 2011 winner of CBC’s Canada Reads competition. He lives in Toronto with his wife and two children and blogs about his writing life at www.terryfallis.com.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Part One
Chapter One
After an impressive hang time, I plummeted back to the sidewalk, my fall broken by a fresh, putrid pile of excrement the size of a small ottoman. I quickly scanned the area for a hippo on the lam.
Before I quite literally found myself in deep shit, my day had actually been ripe with promise. I’m a big believer in signs. After six straight days of rain, I believed the sun burning a hole in the cloudless, cobalt sky was a sign — a good one. It somehow lightened the load I’d been lugging around in my mind for the previous six weeks. I lifted my face to the warmth and squinted as I walked along the edge of Riverfront Park. Even though it was a Monday morning, I hummed a happy little tune. Maybe, just maybe, things were looking up. Unfortunately, so was I.
My foot made a soft landing on the sidewalk and shot forward all on its own, leaving a brown, viscous streak in its wake. Congenitally clumsy, I was well into the splits before I managed to drag my trailing leg forward and slip the surly bonds of earth. Airborne, I surveyed the terrain below and, with all the athletic prowess of a quadriplegic walrus, returned safely to earth, touching down on the aforementioned crap cushion.
Just after I landed, I counted roughly twenty witnesses, who stared slack-jawed before many of them split their sides. Fortunately, only a handful of them had video cameras. I expect you can still find me on klutzklips.com. Everyone seemed quite amused by the prominent sign planted three feet to my left: keep cumberland clean. please stoop and scoop. The owners of whatever behemoth produced this Guinness-book offering would have needed a Hefty bag and a snow shovel.
And what an unholy aroma. I’ve always believed that English is better equipped than any other language to capture the richness and diversity of our daily lives. I promise you, the Oxford Concise does not yet have words to describe the stench that rose like a mushroom cloud from that colossal mound. Stepping in it was one thing; full immersion was quite another.
Bright sun in a clear blue sky — good sign. Russian split jump into a gigantic dog turd — not a good sign. Good form, good air, but not a good sign.
An hour and a shower later, I retraced my steps, eyes fixed on the pavement, ignoring the two township workers in hazmat suits at the scene of my fall. I quickened my pace, pumping myself up for the important encounter ahead. After nearly six weeks of intensive searching, I was down to my last seven days. I’d tried flattery, threats, cajolery, blackmail, and bribery, but had come up empty and bone-dry — nothing.
In the first two weeks after my arrival in Cumberland, I’d spoken to the mayor and every town councilor, including the lone Liberal, as well as the head of the chamber of commerce. No dice. In week three, I had pleaded with prominent business leaders, local doctors and lawyers, the head of the four-bus transit authority, and the high-school principal. They’re all still laughing. In fact, one of them needed two sick days to rest a pulled stomach muscle. Last week, I had bought drinks for the local crossing guard, baked cookies for the chief instructor at the Prescott Driving School, and shared inane banter with the golf pro at the Cumberland Mini-Putt. No luck, although the crossing guard at least listened to half my spiel before holding up her stop sign.
I like to think that one of my few strengths is a keen sense of when I’m doomed. None of this “the glass is half full” stuff for me. I know when I’m in deep. So I gave up and returned to the no-hope option I’d rejected at the outset as cruel and unusual punishment. But what else could I do? I had splinters from scraping the bottom of the barrel.
The Riverfront Seniors’ Residence loomed on my left just beyond the park. Built in 1952, it had that utterly forgettable but, I suppose, practical architecture of that era — early Canadian ugly. Two wings of rooms extended along the riverbank on either side of a central lobby. Everything looked painfully rectangular. The only architectural grace note, just adjacent to the dining room, was a curved wall of windows, overlooking the Ottawa River. For the residents, the panorama provided a welcome distraction from the steam-table cuisine.
The lounge next to the dining room was populated with 30-year-old couches and chairs, sporting strangely hued upholstery from the “shades of internal organs” collection, accessorized by protective plastic slip covers. I saw a couple of dozen or so residents camped out in the lounge. Some were reading. Others were locked in debate over what vegetables would accompany the pot roast that night. A few simply gazed at nothing at all with a forlorn and vacant look. The scent of air freshener hung heavy, only just subduing that other odor sadly common to many seniors’ residences. I loitered in the lobby, surveying the scene and deciding on my approach. Evidently, I was too slow.
A grizzled, old man in a peach safari suit and a lavender, egg-encrusted tie looked me up and down a few times, wrestling with his memory. Finally, recognition dawned on his withered face. “Hey, it’s the doggy doo-doo diving champ!” he shouted. I glanced at the aging alliteration aficionado before taking in the rest of the room. All eyes turned to me. I saw heads nodding and smiles breaking. A wheelchair-ridden centenarian gave me a thumbs-up. I heard a smattering of applause that slowly gathered strength and culminated some time later in an osteoporotic, stooping ovation. I felt compelled to take a bow. When the commotion abated, the guy in the peach safari suit approached.
“I gotta tell you that was some performance this morning. After that horse of a dog dropped his load in the middle of the sidewalk, we were all gathered by the window there, waiting for some poor sap to step in it. We even had a pool going.”
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Side-splitting Humour!
By Amazon Customer
One of the funniest and most clever books I've read in a long time. A terrific summer read. Late-night comedy at the cottage, wiling away the bug-infested hours, sometimes laughing so hard I woke the chipmunks.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Four Stars
By Al Pasloske
For a former civil service employee the writing is first rate
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
A great - and fun - read, even if you aren't a Canadian
By Dan York
Back at the beginning of 2007 I started listening as Terry Fallis released each week a new chapter of his book as a podcast episode from his website. Although not a Canadian, I rather rapidly got caught up in the adventures of Daniel, Angus, Muriel and the rest of the cast of characters and found myself eagerly looking forward to the next week to learn what would happen next! Once the book came out in printed form, I was delighted to be able to go back through and read it again. While the book is obviously about Canadian politics, the author provides enough background information that it is certainly understandable - and enjoyable - for the non-Canadian. In fact, as someone very interested in US politics the book was an interesting view in how politics works in our neighbor to the north.
Politics aside, the book is just a great *story*. I enjoyed the characters and how they evolved over time. I enjoyed the various different side stories... and I very definitely enjoyed the "Diaries of Angus McLintock" that ended each chapter once the book got beyond the initial chapters.
At the end of the day, no matter what our political system or country I think we all would love to have a few more politicians out there with the character and principles of Angus McLintock! Now we just have to wait to see what might come next for Angus, Daniel and friends.
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